by Haggis (Sean Loyless)
December 11th, 2008 @ 10:08 pm
This article has been viewed 912 times.
(2 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)
Loading ...
How To Drive Like An Asshole In 10 Easy Steps!
1. No Turn Signals
Doesn’t matter whether you are making turns or chaning lanes, turn signals are completely worthless. The only purpose it serves is to let everyone else know what you are doing and react to your shitty driving, and who cares about them?
2. Turning in the Opposite Lane
Not only does it show how awesome your driving skills are in your 1997 Passat, but it also ensures that everyone else is paying attention to you by watching you make a left turn from the right lane.
3. Tailgate and Brake Constantly
This is especially important when dealing with rush hour traffic, since it will eventually cause the drivers behind you to hit THEIR breaks, until you have full-blown traffic congestion brewing behind you. It doesn’t matter to you, because you’re ahead of all those suckers.
4. Driving with Your Brights
Since you’re already causing a public disturbance with your awesome driving, you might as well blind oncoming traffic while you are at it. This is especially helpful in poorly lit areas.
5. The Cut-off and Slam On Your Brakes Maneuver
Make sure you do this only when there is no one behind the person you are cutting off, which would have made for a safer and wiser driving decision. Happily waving at the person when doing this will only please the driver behind you, who is busy trying to endure the third degree burns from hot coffee in their lap.
6. Drive an Innappropriate Vehicle for your Location
If you live downtown in a large city this includes large 4×4 capable SUVs, Pick-Up Trucks with extended wheels, and especially any type of Hummer. During this economic and energy crisis, it’s wise to make others feel safe by sending a message: You don’t give a crap and you’ll fill your $100+ gas tank every five miles if that’s what it takes to look badass driving alone in your giant vehicle.
7. Swerve Left Before Making Right Turns
Asshole driver physics are exclusive to said assholes. Of course it makes more sense to swerve widely to the left before making that already wide right turn, as the turning radius of your beforementioned giant vehicle requires a head start.
8. Wait until the last second to make all driving decisions.
This especially applies to Exit Only signs and merging lanes. By flying out of your lane (without turn signals, remember), it ensures that your lane will be free and clear because of the massive four car pileup behind you.
9. Always Drive in the Passing Lane
You’ve never heard of the “left lane is for passing only” rule, so go ahead and keep going under the speed limit and backing up traffic behind you. If you can, stay directly next to the cars in the other lanes ensuring no one can pass.
10. Cutting in Line
You see the massive traffic jam ahead of you at your exit. You saw it 2 miles back. What does an successful asshole drive do in this already stressful situation? If you answered: drive past everyone waiting in line and force your way over at the last second, you’re correct!
By following these first ten steps of Driving for Assholes, you can become a threat to everyone’s safety immediately! If you want to collect bonus asshole points, make sure that you are talking on the cell phone while following all the steps outlined above.
This post was liked by 15 people and had 13 comments on FriendFeed. hide
