A Letter to a City I’ve Never Been To

The following is what I have mailed to the City of Dallas, without the strikethroughs or italicized text. That’s just my own personal comments on the situation.

To The City Of Dallas Corrupt Dirty Shithole Joke of a City:

I recently received a collection notice on two unpaid parking tickets in your city that occurred on Sunday, 6/24/2000 within 9 minutes of each other, for “PARKING ON UNAPPROVED SURFACE”, which the lady obstinate bitch who repeated herself like a broken record I spoke with on the phone told me was a grassy area.

I am disputing the parking ticket on the following facts:

1. This is the most important of all: I have never been to Dallas in my entire life. Ever. (Seriously, your city sucks balls.)

2. The tickets are two different ticket numbers but contain the same information:
Ticket 1: Occurred at 9:07am on 315 N RAVINIA DR
Ticket 2: Occurred at 9:15am on 314 N RAVINA DR
You can see that the tickets are 8 minutes apart and occur what looks to be the same exact street, each with a $95.00 charge.

3. I never received any notification of parking tickets until last year around this same time, 6 years later.

4. The time and date in question is even more proof that it was not me or any vehicle I have ever driven. It was a Sunday morning, and I was still asleep. In HOUSTON. Seriously, get with the fucking program.

5. The vehicle in question was totaled in February of 2001 and I do not own it anymore. (RIP Pezmobile)

6. I have to repeat this, because this is the most important fact of all: I. HAVE. NEVER. BEEN. TO. DALLAS. The car in question, a 1997 Ford Escort, has also never been to Dallas, or if it did, was prior to my owning it in 1999 which is a year prior the tickets.

Please contact me to discuss this dispute, and remove these fraudulent charges from my record. After this is resolved, I do not wish to ever be contacted by The City Of Dallas ever again, and this incredibly ridiculous error is only cementing the desire to NEVER visit your city.

Thank You,

Haggis MacBastard

Apologies to B-Dogg McGee. No offense to you, but your city is stupid.

Link: A Letter to a City I’ve Never Been To

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Smokin said:

Dallas-hatred is a cultural manifestation afflicting approximately 40 percent of the population of the Houston area, or about 1 million people. We are raised to hold Dallas in contempt for their snobbery and will under no circumstances be convinced that Dallas is superior in any way to Houston.

Just little fun fact!

Commented on October 3rd, 2007 at 5:05 pm.

Haggis said:

I tried explaining this to a few San Antonio natives, but they just thought it was funny.

It is funny, but it’s also true. About 90% of the Houstonians I know have a natural hatred for that city. At least now I have a genuine reason.

Commented on October 3rd, 2007 at 5:16 pm.

bdoggmcgee said:

I once had massive hatred for Dallas. Not so much anymore….

The City of Dallas government people are a bunch of asshats, though. That’s why I live in the ‘burbs.

Commented on October 3rd, 2007 at 7:45 pm.

mr. Positive said:

Sounds like yet another reason you need to invest in a Pre-Paid Legal policy… Call me and I’ll hook you up. No more frustration for you, just let your law firm handle it.

Commented on October 21st, 2007 at 3:12 am.

Valentine said:

Ok…I know this post was written probably a gazillion years ago but man…that was hillarious!!

Commented on November 24th, 2007 at 11:21 pm.

dontknockit84 said:

you are such a jackass, and the sad thing is that you don’t even know it. You probably don’t even care. But I’m really truly sorry, lol. I know the reason you hate dallas so much. You can’t afford the taxes to live there! you cheap bastard.

Dallas doesn’t want you anyways. What would we want a fucking idiot living in our great city, or state for that matter? I’ll send you a postcard. ;]

Commented on April 13th, 2008 at 10:28 pm.

Haggis said:

AWESOME.

Obviously you must be from Dallas, because your sheer ignorance precedes you. Um, first off, I was born and raised in Texas, and still currently live here. I just don’t like Dallas, because it’s a shitty, crime overrun, ignorant town and you must be the poster child for its citizens.

And what does any of that have to do with taxes? Send yourself a postcard, jackass.

Commented on April 14th, 2008 at 1:59 pm.

Thierry said:

My wife just went to Dallas for business and stayed in a hotel called ‘The Gaylord’ I thought that was funny. She said it was very nice, they have a life size reconstructed old time village under a glass dome. She didn’t get any parking tickets though.

Commented on April 24th, 2008 at 5:12 am.

Haggis said:

Well as my story proves, that doesn’t mean she won’t get one.

Commented on April 24th, 2008 at 11:42 am.

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